"Culture Shock Affects People Differently"

So, this post is going to be kind of unsettling to those who just follow me on Facebook and don't really know much about my personal life. But I promise it's going to be light-hearted while also tackling a serious issue about the concept of studying abroad. So, here's the truth: I have mental issues. It's just that, plain and simple. I'm okay with openly admitting it, because I feel like a lot of people are afraid to talk about it especially when studying abroad. I also have been to therapy in my life, and am alright to admitting as well that yes a trained professional is probably a lot better at counseling me than a pot of green tea and binge-watching Netflix shows. And let me just say this is not the first time I've had to deal with these kinds of panicked, depressive, and stressful feelings. I'm one of those people who needs a really really good support system around me to function properly, and even then it's difficult to not have those lingering thoughts of not being good enough for the world. Regardless, I've known a lot of people who simply either don't address or don't emphasize the mental affect studying abroad has on a person. It's not just the difficulty of the program I'm in, it's not simply about missing home, and although a lot of people might think this - it's not an extended vacation. It's the feeling of displacement. The feeling of not fitting in and standing out too much. The feeling of too much stress and pressure to enjoy every single moment of every single day, or your wasting your time. The feeling of not being good enough to be with those around you, or not being good enough for the expectations you set for yourself. Culture shock tends to be more apparent in those that are studying in a country that is dominant in a language that isn't their mother tongue, but it's still very much apparent in those who study in places where English is a dominant language. So what is culture shock and why did I think it was such a joke? Probably because I didn't fully understand how it can impact a person. I mean I've been planning the past 7 or 8 years to study abroad in Italy. Italy was my safe haven and my rock. I loved, and still do love, Italy... so why would I need to trouble myself with something as little as "culture shock"? Most likely because they don't explain the true affects of what culture shock truly can do to a person.

Here's the chart they all show us. What they don't really explain is, see that little low point? The one with no name? They say "culture shock affects everyone differently" and for me, it's very close to what I would describe as a depressive-like state (and I'm not the only one that feels this way). I realized this around Easter break, which is a major holiday in my family. I felt like I didn't want to leave my room or go anywhere or do anything. Talking in English or Italian to anyone was frustrating (to say the least) and all I wanted was to be home with my family and friends, eating yummy food and laughing about how fast my father would fall asleep after the meal. No one could have prepared me for the amount of loss, and misunderstanding about who I was and what I wanted in life, that I felt during that week. I was constantly questioning everything about all my decisions in life and if this, my trip to Italy, made me so incredibly unhappy, what about my other goals I had planned for my life? I wanted to go home, without a second thought. Had I gone home for Easter, I probably wouldn't have come back. I'll state now as for future reference that I would have regretted that decision for the rest of my life, and I'm incredibly happy that I stuck it out. I think the thing that always hit me hardest was the idea that I wasn't appreciating the time I was abroad. I mean my parents sacrificed a lot to send me here. On top of my feeling of culture shock and unhappiness, this idea that I didn't appreciate that sent me into a binge of guilt. My family and friends had said goodbye to me for 6 months hoping I'd find happiness and adventure, but all I felt was the need to be back in their arms. It was rough, and it still is to this day. Not because I haven't made the most wonderful friends and wonderful life here, but because I also left a life at home that I truly loved, and I realized once here that I took all those relationships for granted. It was rough before and after Easter Week, and I admitted to myself that I needed help. Something that doesn't necessarily come easily to someone who had hopes of studying abroad in Italy as one of the biggest dreams of their life, but I'd been through this cycle before, and I knew the only way to get better was to start with admitting I was in a dark place. So I started going to see a therapist in Italy (a woman provided by my program and who speaks English - thank the lord), and she has helped me through so very much. After the first meeting with her I gained insight that I had lost or forgotten. That I didn't have to prove myself to Italy because being here alone was a huge and amazing accomplishment. That it's okay to feel sad, but to not let yourself succumb to it. That trying your best IS good enough, and the more you try to break out of your shell and look around at what Italy had to offer, the easier it can be to start appreciating the world around you. And I'm learning more and more every day because of it.

So here I am, in Italy, trying my best to understand my place and the people around me. I'm better, so much better than I was. And I can already feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. It doesn't mean that I don't miss my family and friends and life in Bloomington. But it does mean that like everything in life, this too shall pass, and when it does I want to look back with fond memories of this place and this adventure and how I learned about myself as a person, instead of looking back on it as a waste of time or a mistake. Everyone always talks about how little time students have abroad, and how we need to treasure this time and not waste it. And although that is true, we need to also remember that it's okay to not feel okay.